3 AM Thought

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

Assalamualaikum and salam sejahtera to all my fellow readers.

I thought it is not  long time ago since the last post. But here I am taking a rest from study and pour everything inside my head and my chest to let all of you read about my 3 am thought. Not a serious thought but, a throwbacking to the very painful memory among the painful memories that I have.

5 years. I hate talking about friendship.

because of friendship, I start to be strong. Be independent and telling myself that I can live without friend. There are few reasons why that happens. I don't have sweet memory during my high school. I lose my friend and i donno why they HATE ME SO MUCH. I do not know is that they really hate me, or they just don't want be friend with me. I just confuse where do I make a mistake until I lose all of them. Maybe its my mistake without myself realise about it. Then I just walk alone until 2 of my best bestie during high school lend me their own shoulder to help me and strengthen me and support me in whatever I do. 5 YEARS WITHOUT A FRIEND. People keep try to bullied me in class with their stupid jokes, it hurts me everytime, but then I never care. I just show them the strong face that I have. Just because I do feel like I am not worth of living, then I share about this with my sister, and my momsy. Told them from A to Z what happening to me.  and thats how my trustworthy become an issue.

being bullied mentally but you fight back with physically, through 5 years with 60 months with 1825 days I try not to cried just because of this SHIT FRIENDSHIP. I try my best to forget and forgive even though I felt hurt. Unluckily, I will never forget. and it hurts me everytimeI remember about what happen during my high school time.

I do enjoy my highschool just because I am active with school competition because I knew when I joined the competition, I gained more useful experience for my future.

up until I go to form 6 and found another new friend which value the friendship because of Lillahi Ta'ala. Tell me directly when I am making mistake. Tell me and show me what goods and what nots when built a friendship. Until the time has come, I got UNIMAS and they just got UMS. Again

I AM ALONE here in UNIMAS. But I am used to be alone.

But I just cannot brain myself what just happen in this semester. Worst semester I guess.

 I am helping people just because I am willingly Lillahi Taala. Help without taking care about myself. But people give me a shit things that I cannot brain.

I am not asking to give back or reward me for whatever I am doing. Because I do really sincere help people. And I still cannot brain when people said

'I do goods and you give me a shit.' Tell me like this without tell me what is my wrong doing.

'You never care and never listen to me.' While all these time I listen to them. No matter how busy I am still, listen to their problem and try to come out with a solution.

'You always with your handphone 24/7 whenever I try to share my problem.' While the exact things is they put you as a last choice of people to share their problem. But still blaming me for not listening to them. Like TF?

'Only he (A boy) willingly to listen to their problem. Help to come out with a solution. And lend his ear for her.' While the truth is, it is me who ask that guy help me to ask her is she okay since she doesnt want share one of her problem with me.

There are many more STUPID.SHIT.MADNESS message they give to me like I am a vodoo doll WHO DOESN'T HAVE FEELING whenever I read those message. Even only once I read but it will remains forever in my head and heart.

My mom and my daddy doesn't raised me to become so Socialize. And they don't raised me to talk and have a chit chat all the time only about men. And this is the hardest part I want to tell people surround me but yeahh, It is hard to make people understand about yourself but still I try to adapt and tolerate between us, HUMAN.

When people surround you ask you to understand them but they never try to understand about you. It makes me speechless. It is true what my sistur have said to me that, getting into the University is to make the better version of yourself not a vice versa.

I do forgive, but it takes time to forget because the message really hurt me. And after what just happen, I still manage to walk alone and be strong like my high school moment time.

And it keeps appear in my mind that

'Is that possible losing a friend just because of a crush?' -Lets think together- And drop any comment down there if you guys have any comments about this.

3AM thought really kicks me with what just happening in my life right now.

Afterall, we all are still a human being.
Salam 17 Ramadhan with all love,
Smoochie xoxo

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